Wise Man #1: Ahem!
Mandy (Brian’s mother): Oh! [falls over in chair] Who are you?
Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
Mandy: What?
Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
Mandy: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.
Wise Man #3: We are astrologers.
Wise Man #1: We have come from the East.
Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man #2: We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man #1: We must pay homage to him.
Mandy: Homage?! You’re all drunk! It’s disgusting! Out! Come on, out!
Wise Man #1: no!
Mandy: Bursting in here with tales about Oriental fortune-tellers! Come on, out!
Wise Man #2: No, no, we must see him.
Mandy: Go and praise someone else’s brat! Go on!
Wise Man #1: We were led by a star!
Mandy: Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!
Wise Man #1: We must see him. We have brought presents!
Mandy: Out!
Wise Man #1: Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
Mandy: Well, why didn’t you say? He’s over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?
Wise Man #3: It is a valuable balm.
Mandy: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!
Wise Man #3: What?
Mandy: That’s a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!
Wise Man #1: No it isn’t.
Mandy: Yes, it is. It’s a great big–
Wise Man #3: No, no, no, it is an ointment.
Mandy: Well, there is an animal called a balm… or did I dream it? So you’re astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?
Wise Man #2: Hmm?
Mandy: What star-sign is he?
Wise Man #2: [stammers] uh, Capricorn.
Mandy: Oh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: Well, he is the son of God. Our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews!
Mandy: And that’s Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #2: No, no, no, that’s just him.
Mandy: Oh! I was gonna say, otherwise there’d be a lot of them.
Wise Man #1: By what name are you calling him?
Mandy: Uh, Brian.
Wise Men: [in unison] We worship you, oh, Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
Mandy: Do you do a lot of this, then?
Wise Man #2: What?
Mandy: This praising.
Wise Man #2: No, no. No, no.
Mandy: Oh, well, um, if you’re dropping by again, do pop in. [chuckles] And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, uh, but don’t worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? [takes the gifts] Thank you. Goodbye.
Mandy: [to Brian] Well, weren’t they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that!
— Life of Brian (1979), Opening Scene.