That doesn’t sound very wise to me…

Wise Man #1: Ahem!

Mandy (Brian’s mother): Oh! [falls over in chair] Who are you?

Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.

Mandy: What?

Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.

Mandy: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.

Wise Man #3: We are astrologers.

Wise Man #1: We have come from the East.

Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?

Wise Man #2: We wish to praise the infant.

Wise Man #1: We must pay homage to him.

Mandy: Homage?! You’re all drunk! It’s disgusting! Out! Come on, out!

Wise Man #1: no!

Mandy: Bursting in here with tales about Oriental fortune-tellers! Come on, out!

Wise Man #2: No, no, we must see him.

Mandy: Go and praise someone else’s brat! Go on!

Wise Man #1: We were led by a star!

Mandy: Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!

Wise Man #1: We must see him. We have brought presents!

Mandy: Out!

Wise Man #1: Gold, frankincense, myrrh!

Mandy: Well, why didn’t you say? He’s over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?

Wise Man #3: It is a valuable balm.

Mandy: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

Wise Man #3: What?

Mandy: That’s a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!

Wise Man #1: No it isn’t.

Mandy: Yes, it is. It’s a great big–

Wise Man #3: No, no, no, it is an ointment.

Mandy: Well, there is an animal called a balm… or did I dream it? So you’re astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

Wise Man #2: Hmm?

Mandy: What star-sign is he?

Wise Man #2: [stammers] uh, Capricorn.

Mandy: Oh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Wise Man #2: Well, he is the son of God. Our Messiah.

Wise Man #1: King of the Jews!

Mandy: And that’s Capricorn, is it?

Wise Man #2: No, no, no, that’s just him.

Mandy: Oh! I was gonna say, otherwise there’d be a lot of them.

Wise Man #1: By what name are you calling him?

Mandy: Uh, Brian.

Wise Men: [in unison] We worship you, oh, Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

Mandy: Do you do a lot of this, then?

Wise Man #2: What?

Mandy: This praising.

Wise Man #2: No, no. No, no.

Mandy: Oh, well, um, if you’re dropping by again, do pop in. [chuckles] And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, uh, but don’t worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? [takes the gifts] Thank you. Goodbye.

Mandy: [to Brian] Well, weren’t they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that!

— Life of Brian (1979), Opening Scene.

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